If you were sat at home in the UK watching telly a few weekends ago, you may have caught a glimpse of Crufts, a championship event that shows off the grace, beauty and skill of various pooches and their owners.
But what's the largest annual dog show in the world got to do with erotica, I hear you bark?
Absolutely nothing. The fact is, Penthouse Slot Machine requires no skill to play, looks rougher than a pug and has about as much charm as a chewed up bone. Worst of all, the gameplay is a massive turn-off.
It's an incredibly basic slot machine game, where the aim is to win as much money as possible in order to reveal squares that are concealing – yep, you guessed it – semi-naked women. Once you've stripped them of their modesty, their pictures go in a gallery that you can view from the main menu. Sound seedy? Well, to me it does (to you it might sound like angels singing – one man's Shih Tzu is another man's Siberian Husky, after all) and, unfortunately, there are no other redeeming features.
You bet on up to nine winning lines, and if you manage to get three dollar signs to show up on the slots, one of two bonus games will begin. In Wheel of Fortune, you stop a power bar to determine how fast the wheel goes. If it lands on a money icon, you get to spin again; if not, it's back to the slots. The other game sees you choose from a selection of cards, with the same set of rules applying.
And that's it. There is no other gameplay. We've been robbed!
Graphically, everything could do with a good grooming. The menus and interface lack any real polish or imagination, and things don't get much better in-game. When your betting lines are visible, the screen looks like the work of an angry toddler armed with .44 calibre crayons. It just looks lazy and careless. Why does the bikini babe have planet Saturn stuck to her backside? We honestly have no idea.
As for the prize photos, it's a pretty clichéd affair. There are six girls in total (plus one staring at you from the main menu) adopting various provocative positions. That's 14 nipples. If you like boobs, you're in luck.
There's not much aural excitement on offer either; just some really naff background music that sounds like it's been stolen from a bad porno.
If you're after some smut on your phone, try Vivid Strip Poker or Party Night Casanova instead. At least then you're getting some fun with your buns. Here it's shame on the developer for not even trying to spruce up such a repetitive game mechanic.
Best in show? It's not even worth sniffing at.
Penthouse Slot Machine
The only desire Penthouse Slot Machine arouses is that of regret for having wasted your time playing it
Dan Spooner
Dan Spooner tells really bad jokes. Really bad. For his first game review the opening line read, "The only backgammon I'm familiar with is cooked and served with eggs!" We made him change it.