So, Apple would like to brighten everyone's day, huh.
Most industry observers and pundits assume this is a thinly veiled reference to the heavily rumoured mid-range iPhone 5C. Where the 'C' stands for 'colour', you see.
I, however, reckon those Cupertino kids have been beavering away on a version of iTunes that... just... works. Right, guys?? Yeah, exactly. Right on, sister.
Anyway. At around 6pm GMT this evening, Tim Cook will take to the stage at Apple's Town Hall auditorium and promptly show me - and you - an edited-to-within-an-inch-of-its-life promo video of a recent Apple Store opening. Huzzah.
Cookie will then invite various members of The Big A's senior management team to borrow - he WILL want it back, you know - his Keynote clicker and present for your delectation some new Apple goodies.
19:17 - It's not, really.
19:15 - Doesn't look as though Mr Cook will be returning to the stage. So, no iWatch, no iTunes 12, no Mac Pro, no sixth-gen iPod touch, and no iTV.
Apple is doomed, I tell you. Doomed!!!!
19:12 - Elvis Costello is our post-presentation entertainment for this evening.
To tell you the truth, I would have preferred Pharrell.
Beggars cannot be choosers, mind. And I do tend to beg.
19:10 - R.I.P. iPhone 5. She had a good innings. 12 months is good, innit?
19:07 - You will be able to purchase an iPhone 5S on September 20th in the US, UK, Australia, Canada, China, France, Germany, Japan, and Singapore.
It'll be available in 100 countries on over 270 carriers by the end of 2013.
19:06 - I can pre-order an iPhone 5C on September 13th. This Friday.
You can, too.
19:04 - In the words of the distinctly mortal Coldplay, numbers and figures.
16GB iPhone 5S = $199 (on a 2-year contract)
32GB iPhone 5S = $299 (on a 2-year contract)
64GB iPhone 5S = $399 (on a 2-year contract)
The 8GB model of iPhone 4S drops to free on contract.
19:01 - If Philip K. Dick were alive today, he'd be spitting feathers. Apple's stealing all of his ideas. I smell a lawsuit.
18:59 - Stop what you're doing! Hold the oranges! Press 'Nudge'! See.
The iPhone 5S Home button is made out of sapphire. And can handle multiple fingerprints.
18:56 - I'm been watching Homeland this week. And reading Philip K. Dick novels.
Why am I mentioning this? Well, because the iPhone 5S has a fingerprint sensor on its front. And I am a pretentious sort.
Apple is calling its new finger-scanning doobree "Touch ID".
18:54 - S... l... o... -... M... o.
The iPhone 5S's camera can capture 720p HD video at 120 frames per second.
I, by contrast, cannot.
18:52 - Burst mode is, however, sutin I can definitely get down with. To burst is to be, I almost always never say.
18:50 - Phil's now focusing on the iPhone 5S camera. Let's zoom in for a closer look...
The pixels are 1.5 microns. Lovely.
15% larger active sensor area. Swell.
Larger f/2.2 aperture. Groovy.
True Tone Flash. Grand.
I understood precisely none of that.
18:48 - Battery life on iPhone 5S is, well, better. Than nothing. Just.
3G talk time = 10 hours
Standby time = 250 hours
Wi-fi browsing = 10 hours
3G browsing = 8 hours
18:46 - There's no M7 motorway in England. Fascinating stuff, I'm sure you'll agree.
There is, however, an M7 motion co-processor in the iPhone 5S. Measures all kind of tings. I won't bore you with them now.
18:44 - There's a silver ring around the iPhone 5S's Home button.
'Sensor. Print. Finger'. There's a quick mini-game for you. Rearrange to solve. Go!
18:41 - Ooops. Epic's Donald Mustard took a wrong turn at the Gents toilets and is now standing next to Philip Schiller.
Fortunately for all concerned, Don has some interesting info on Infinity Blade III up his sleeve. And he's prepared to share it with us all.
18:39 - iPhone 5S is constructed from high-grade aluminium. It's powered by a new A7 chip.
Woof! The iPhone 5S is the world's first and only smartphone with a 64-bit microprocessor.
Woof! Apple's apps are also 64-bit.
18:37 - Panic over. Ahhhh, there's my champagne gold iPhizzle.
It'll be available in silver and slate, too. Always believe in the gold, though.
18:35 - iPhone 5S. The 'S' may or may not stand for 'Stud'.
Speaking of which, Big Phil Schiller has joined us for one of those promptu presentations.
18:33 - Sorry, I was temporarily blinded by the luminosity of those hawt iPhone 5C silicon cases.
18:30 - "iPhone 5C is beautifully, unapologetically plastic."
It's metal, incidentally. (It's not.)
18:28 - Oh, you want one, do you? Get your wallet ready, sonny.
$99 for the 16GB version (on a 2-year contract)
$199 for the 32GB version (on a 2-year contract)
18:27 - Some iPhone 5C vital statistics...
- 4-inch Retina display
- 8-megapixel iSight camera
- FaceTime HD camera
- A6 chip
- Higher capacity battery (than a bear?)
- Bluetooth 4.0
18:25 - "More fun, more colourful." That's the tagline for iPhone 5C, a.k.a. the AldiPhone.
iPhone 5C will be available in an array of colourways. Green, white, pink, blue, and yellow.
Where's my champagne gold?!?! Jesus wept.
18:24 - Unnamed Source was right! Apple will be launching two new iPhones this time around.
Mr Source: you deserve a cookie. Goooooooooooood boy.
18:22 - The main event. The pop shot. The pièce de résistance.
iPhone. That simple.
18:20 - Hands up if you think the iWork (Pages, Keynote, Numbers) suite of apps for iOS should be free?
Tim's hand is up! They're all free, then. Job done.
18:18 - In total, there are over 200 new features in iOS 7.
Apple will release the next version of its mobile OS on September 18th.
iOS 7 will be compatible with iPhone 4 and later; iPad 2 and later; iPad mini; and the fifth-gen iPod touch.
18:16 - iTunes Radio COULD revolutionise music streaming. Or not.
It's probably up to you. And you.
18:15 - If you were wondering, by the way, Steve Jobs is John Lennon. Oh, and Tim Cook is Paul McCartney.
'George Harrison?' Dagnabbit.
18:12 - Anyone who watched the iOS 7 preview at WWDC 2013 now has permission to leave the room and make me a cup of tea.
Built-in camera filters!
18:10 - Apple's equivalent of Ringo Starr, sometimes known as 'Craig Federighi', wanders onto the stage like a man possessed. By Ringo Starr, presumably.
iOS 7 is the hot topic.
18:09 - According to Timmy, Apple will ship the 700 millionth iOS device next month.
18:06 - And... done. What's Tim Cooking up for us this evening, then? I want an agenda. With bulletpoints. And swooshy transitions.
18:05 - Video killed the radio star. This video of the iTunes Festival is killing me. Nice venue, mind.
18:02 - Tim Cook's on stage. I just won a bet. With a numpty.
Anyway, Elton John is performing at the iTunes Festival on Thursday. Are you ready? Are you ready for love?
18:00 - In the words of the immortal Whitesnake, here I go again.
17:59 - *Warning: If this event goes beyond 7.45pm, a freak storm will irreparably damage my internet connection and mean I am forced to watch Ukraine vs England on ITV1.*
17:55 - What exactly do we expect Tim & Co. to unveil this evening, then, huh?
Well, I like a bet. I bet you like a bet. I bet you'd like to have a bet on how much I like a bet. So, let's look at the potential runners and riders for this evening...
2/7 = iPhone 5S (Nailed-on. I'm expecting visuals, prices, release dates, and dinner)
6/4 = iPhone 5C (If the rumours are true, Apple's now the Lidl of smartphone vendors)
7/4 = iOS 7 (I suspect this will be available to consumers next week)
9/2 = Sixth-gen iPod touch (Could be a gold edition. Sorry, "champagne gold")
5/1 = Mac Pro (Cook or Schiller or Federighi may or may not confirm a release date for the world's sexiest dustbin)
7/1 = iTunes 12 (It's been one week since you looked at me. It's been ten months since iTunes 11 debuted. Hmmm)
450/1 = iWatch (Nah)
700/1 = Proper Apple TV (Can't see it happening)
This is sure to be the best coverage of the iPhone 5S / iPhone 5C event. 4/1 = I'm right.