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Harry's hot takes: Here is a list of the very best IAPs in mobile gaming

The price is fight
Product: Candy Crush Jelly Saga | Publisher: King | Format: Android, iPhone, iPad | Genre: Casual, Puzzle
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Look, there's no getting around it, free to play is the finest way to experience mobile games. Think about it, if it wasn't, why would there be so many free to play games out there? There wouldn't be, would there.

A lot of people in the gaming world think that free to play, and by extension IAPs, are evil. But how could something evil propagate so readily through the entertainment business? I mean there are no recent examples of that happening, are there?

So in this week's hot takes I take the hot fight to the cold people who think that IAPs are bad, by rounding up the finest types of IAP out there. If you're not convinced by my argument after this, then I suggest going back to the first paragraph and starting the article over, you've clearly missed something.

Pay to win

We live in a capitalist society. People with money are winners, people who don't have money are losers. I didn't invent that system, but that's just the way things are, so you're either going to have to deal with it or dismantle the dominant cultural paradigm.

In the mean time, I'll happily throw away my disposable and non-disposable income to prove to people I've never met that I'm the best at a game. That game is called life, and I'm the best because I've got the most money.

New hats

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Nothing screams success like dressing your avatar up in unique clothing. Well, I say unique, what I actually mean is items that you and anyone else with the purchasing power to do so can pick up from in-game shops.

And I say clothing, but what I actually mean is slightly different coloured pixels. But the point is if I want to spend £9.99 on a hat that doesn't exist so that I feel good about myself then I'm going to do it, and there's literally nothing you can do to stop me.

Energy systems

I'm sorry that the game you downloaded for free wants you to stop playing or spend some money, I really am. Actually, I'm not, because if you play a game and then don't spend any money when you run out of energy you're basically a thief.

Someone did a lot of psychological and market research to best tailor that energy system to the dopamine triggers in the human brain, and you're telling me you can't even be bothered to reward that research with a few quid? What are you, a communist?

Beautiful gems

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Sometimes I buy gems that I don't need just so I can have a massive stockpile of them. I call it my treasure hoard, and I like to imagine diving into it head first like that duck from that cartoon. Who doesn't want to be as digitally rich as a drawing of a bird wearing a coat but no trousers?

In the olden days the only way you could show that you were rich was encrusting everything you owned in beautiful jewels. This is just the digital version of that. And if you hate it then you hate the past.

Speeding up wait-timers

Whoa, hang on now, you're against wait timers? But they literally give you the chance to mess with the make-up of the universe. You're in control of time, able to bend it to your whims. Essentially, that makes you a god.

Sure, you're a god of a tiny corner of a meaningless digital representation of nothing, but you've probably got a job you hate and a family who can't stand the sight of you, so if I were you I'd take any deity-based options that are presented to you.

A car

I can't afford a car in real life because of insurance and tax and petrol and wheels and nuts and bolts and I'm not allowed to drive anymore because of the incident. Don't ask me about the incident. Don't even mention the incident.

Reviewer photo
Harry Slater 9 March 2018
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