Alien Panic

If aliens were to ever to attack Earth, you have to fear the chances of a positive outcome would be pretty slim.

Either they’d squish us as the primitive creatures that we are or - being the primitive creatures that we are - we’d squish them.

Alien Panic takes the latter view, tasking you with helping a group of benevolent (and surprisingly helpless) extra-terrestrials to escape the grip of a mad human scientist.

Given that you’re in charge of an advanced race capable of interstellar travel, you might be surprised to learn that your escape plan involves herding each creature away from harm like a bunch of sheep.

The method for doing this is the most well-worn in iPhone gaming: drawing a line. You might be guiding aliens to their ship, but you might as well be guiding – oh, I don’t know – aircraft to their landing strips, just to pluck a crazy idea from the ether.

If my cynicism comes across a little strong, it’s because I (and, surely, everyone with an iPhone) have seen this mechanic a million times before, and much better at that.

While games like Flight Control keep you entertained with a nice mixture of tasks in the shape of differing aircraft and varying tactics, Alien Panic is relatively one-dimensional.

Your goal is purely to avoid the prowling Dr Evil as he runs from one target to the next, zapping them into submission. As such, your tactics revolve around his movements, whether that’s changing an alien’s path to move around him or redirecting it to rescue a stunned colleague (leave it too long and it dies).

There’s little tactical depth to this, and indeed the constant nannying required is tiresome rather than entertaining.

In its defence, Alien Panic does look quite nice, with attractive 3D visuals and a nice comic-book intro. Unfortunately, the game underneath is so primitive it’s not worth a visit.