While the rest of the world is getting excited about a new Mario movie, I'm sat here, draped in blankets, wondering whether everyone is experiencing some sort of mass hallucination.
Do you people not remember Super Mario Bros? Do you not remember how it single handedly redefined not just the game movie genre, but the entire cinematic lexicon?
We don't need another Mario movie, because the series already reached its zenith with the release of the 1993 classic. Don't believe me? Well here are some well researched points that are going to change your mind.
Cartoons are for kids. It's just a fact. Primary colours are designed to make children smile. Super Mario Bros understood that, so rather than trying to make a boring kids movie, it got dark. Super dark.
This is Mario in the real world, not some stupid made up world full of pipes and happiness. Here everything is dirty and awful and there's slime dripping off everything.
Seriously, look at that cast. It's got Bob "uncle Bo-Bo" Hoskins. Jon "weren't you a fat clown in Spawn" Leguizamo, and Dennis "totally here just for the paycheque" Hopper in it. If you could get that cast now, well, I mean for starters you'd need to become a necromancer.
There are other people in it too. Lance Henriksen! He was Bishop in Aliens and did that cool thing with a knife and his hand. Bet he's not in the new one, which instantly makes it rubbish.
It answered the ultimate question
For years fans have wondered. For years they've argued and fought and murdered over the question. But Super Mario Bros answered it more than 20 years ago.
Mario's name is Mario Mario. Luigi's name is Luigi Mario. There. It's canon. It's fact. Mario's first name and last name are exactly the same.
In the film there's an alternate universe version of New York called Dinohattan. That's where the koopas come from. And they're evolved dinosaurs who wear leather jackets. And if memory serves have tiny heads.
This is the sort of hard-nosed sci-fi that the film pushed. And people didn't like it because the world just wasn't ready to care about cool stuff like evolved dinosaurs. It almost certainly had nothing to do with Jurassic Park coming out in the same year.
It has a post-credits sting
All films have those nowadays, but this was back in the '90s when films were only half as long as they are now and still managed to tell believable stories without forcing bits on at the end.
And the sting is a joke. It's about video games. Hahahahah how we laughed. How some of us are still laughing now. The Super Koopa Cousins. Great joke Super Mario Bros. Well played.
Like, there are guns in the film that allow you to devolve creatures. One guy gets turned into a monkey. Dennis Hopper gets turned into a giant T-Rex and then dissolves.
Super Mario Bros clearly didn't care about its source material. And that made it a much better, far more interesting film. You can't make a film about jumping. No one is going to watch that. So devolution guns instead. Genius.
There's more of it
Super Mario Bros is 104 minutes long. There are reels of unseen footage that was cut out to make the film short enough that people weren't going to fall asleep or die during it.
You know what that means? Director's cut. Don't bother with the animated movie Nintendo, just give the fans what they really want - Super Mario Bros in all of its restored, glorious perfection. I imagine it will win many Oscars. Many.