Noah Ark Builder is a dunderheaded match-three puzzler that's broken, ugly, and out now on iPad and iPhone
Two by stupid
What's better than a half-arsed, broken, movie tie-in game? A half-arsed, broken, movie tie-in game that hits the App Store months after the film has been released, and makes no sense what-so-ever.
Ladies and gentlemen, might I present Noah Ark Builder, a match-three puzzler that sees you collecting rope, buckets, and seeds in the face of the worst storm that humanity has ever seen.
Don't match clouds though, because clouds are bad because they mean rain. I am not making this up.
There's a story mode, but it crashes every time I try to play it. Russell Crowe says something gravelly and plants a seed and then I'm kicked out to my home screen.
But fret ye not, because there's an endless mode. And it literally is endless. There's a quota of things you need to collect, and once you've collected them all it goes back up again.
An infinite cycle of awful, meaningless puzzling, with a brand so incompatible with it slapped on that it's almost impossible not to do a little bit of sick while you're playing.
Fine, it might be out to coincide with the DVD release of the film, but it's still utter garbage.
Noah Float Saga, as the game isn't called but should be, is out right now on the App Store for nowt. Don't download it though, because it's a painfully broken belch of hateful cash-in nonsense.