Victoria's Dirty Amateurs

The idea of amateur pornography is perhaps a little odd. Is it a hazy filter that allows the viewer to feel more concretely that they're not watching a hardened professional who will, a minute after the shoot, step out for a caffe latte, barely giving a thought to the acts just committed? Is the humble viewer allowed to drop that pesky suspension of disbelief under the assumption that the people they're watching are, in fact, really just gagging for it?

This may not be the place to discuss the psychology of pornography, but if Victoria's Dirty Amateurs is anything to go by then the above might be true. There's no sagging cellulite-pocked flesh here. The ladies of this title are all strictly of blonde hair, pert breasts, gymnastically intertwined tongues and wandering hands.

There are nine images of the ladies to unlock, and they generally involve one lady groping another, practising knots using their tongues. Top halves are frequently bared, but anything down below is strictly no-go.

Although the photos are of a reasonably professional standard (another nail in the coffin of the 'amateur' idea), the palette has been reduced to the extent that the curves of a lady devolve into the contours of an ordinance survey map. Considering that there are only nine images on offer, such quality restrictions are perhaps a little severe.

Now that we've covered the all-important salacious content element of the game, we might as well get down to how you unlock these pictures. There's a 3x3 grid of squares, and each represents both a game and a picture to unlock. These are quick, reaction-based games and, unfortunately, there are only three different examples.

The first sees you moving a cursor around the play area, looking for the centre of the picture. In the next, you have to hit '5' when the centre of a moving picture passes by your static cursor. In the final game, you have to press the corresponding key when each quadrant of the picture lights up.

Complete a game successfully and you unlock a picture, but you'll lose a life if you fail. You start off with three lives, but get an additional one if you unlock a full row or column of pictures. Run out of lives and you have to start all nine squares from the beginning.

Thanks to the quadrant light-up game, you're likely to need at least a few attempts at the grid before unlocking the whole lot, as it's pretty picky about timing. That said, since each game lasts about ten seconds, Victoria's Dirty Amateurs offers only a tiny amount of gameplay. In principle, real thumb-masters could finish within about 90 seconds of actual playtime. And that's too quick by any man's standards.

We have to hand it to Victoria, she does know how to put together a saucy image well. The combinations of tongues, mammary massage and an overall modern look that avoids the '80s awfulness of some other adult mobile titles produces some amusing images. However, doing the maths, you're looking about about a pound a minute in play-time terms. And thanks to the paper thin mini-games, they're not minutes of pure ecstasy, either.