Ten not-so-cute nurturing games you won't be playing any time soon

It's all the fault of Nintendogs. The game itself might be a pedigree Crufts champion, but just as a scenario that would see the aforementioned canine being left unguarded for a few months in the vicinity of Battersea Dogs Home, its success has resulted in a brood of mongrel whelps. And the whole sorry affair just propagates further, as more publishers decide they want a bit of the nurture sim action.

It's important to be clear about these things. Nintendo and its commercially on heat bitch are to blame for the likes of Dogz, My Little Dogs, My Dog, Purr Pals, Catz and Hamsterz. Not to mention – crossing the home pet species barrier – My Horse and Me, Horsez, Horse Life, Pony Friends, Wild Petz Tigerz, Pet Vet, Animal Doctor, Animalz Marine Zoo, Aquarium by DS and Wild Petz Dolphinz.

Quite where human crying 'n' pooping simulators Baby Pals and Imagine: Babies fit into the experience, we really don't like to think.

Still, in the interests of widening the social demographic when it comes to such nurturing games, we thought it only fair to give designers ideas for the sort of things we, as older, meaner – heck, let's face it, hardcore – gamers might enjoy.

Nintendoberman Tagline: Fighting dogs don't train themselves As with Nintendogs, you start with a cute little puppy, but this time you have train it into a vicious, snarling attack dog. Your stylus is your obedience stick and you'll need to keep a tight grip on its leash to make sure it doesn't jump on bystanders as you walk it through the kiddies' playground. But it's not all about heartless brutality: bonus rewards for your Nintendoberman included raw meat and a muzzle.
Skunks Galore Tagline: Who's smelly now? In these modern times, every animal deserves a second chance so why not get up close with the common skunk? After all, it's a legal pet in some US states, where it's said to be a companionable creature, happy to go on long walks and have its ears tickled. Just don't get it angry and be thankful no-one's invented Smell-o-Gaming yet.
My Malarial Mosquito Tagline: Let's have an epidemic Fanboys might remember weird Japanese PS2 game Mr Moskeeto, in which you controlled one of the little flying fellows, out for a drop of blood. Well, how about taking the concept to the next level and bring in some strategy elements, as you try to destroy the work of the World Health Organisation with waves of infectious disease? Or reverse the roles and try to spread your limited grant from the UN across preventive supplies, such as nets and drugs, before the rainy season.
Flopsy, Mopsy and Myxie Rabbits Tagline: Bright eyes? Shoot them quick Bunnies are cute and wubberly. They bounce around with their little tails bobbling in the air. It's so sweet. But not when they're suffering from Myxomatosis, a disease first introduced in Australia to keep down rabbit numbers. So with a double barrelled stylus shotgun in hand, in this fast action game you have to blast the little blighters out of their misery. Just think of it as Time Crisis meets Beatrix Potter.
Parrotz Tagline: Who's a potty-mouthed boy, then? Some people suggest parrots are as intelligent as dolphins. What with their colourful feathers and nutcracking ways, who could fail to love caring for the little fellas? And how about the challenge of teaching one to speak? Spend hours playing Parrotz, trying in vain to get Polly to say something understandable, only to discover that while you were doing the gardening, the potty-mouthed Psittacidae has been copying the rapper slang of little Jonnie from next door. No effing cuttlefish now for Polly.
Tape Worm Tummy Tagline: Intense intestinal antics Don't know your duodenum from your jejunum? Then Tape Worm Tummy is the game for you. From an exciting first-person perspective, delve into the guts of humanity as you worm your way through the places where the sun don't shine. Your goal is to build the largest tape worm possible. The record is a massive 20 metres, but be careful: take too much food, too quickly and you might kill your host. Yes, it's a delicate symbiotic world when you're a tape worm.
Endangered Species Poacher Tagline: The rarer, the better The world of poaching has moved upmarket in recent years. Linked into a real-time commodity prices tracker – Indian ivory futures are down, Chinese demand for tiger penis is up – you roam around the world, skimming off the most valuable rare species for top dollar. Panda paw, shark fin and snow leopard skin are all on the menu as you supply millionaire collectors, quack doctors and high-class restaurants through your sniper sights. Work your way up the foodchain and get to play the underwater bonus 'Blue Whale' mission.
Munching Maggots Tagline: They're squirmy and they're wormy Our view of maggots has changed over the years, from evil signifiers of death to helpful medical tools. So why not celebrate their newfound status in Munching Maggots, a game that combines the growing medical simulator genre with animal nurturing? Breed up different strains of maggots for specific purposes, while manipulating their genetic make-up to create the biggest, juicy maggots you can. And, after work, take some of your best creations and head off to enjoy the fishing mini-games. Wriggle on a hook, you little maggots.
Making Babies Tagline: One night of passion. A lifetime of regret It's 'Hot Coffee' meets The Sims as you enter the lives of inner-city youngsters out to have some fun and maybe get their foot on the housing ladder, too. Choose from either male or female role and then it's down to Ritz nightclub to cop off with some talent. Twenty-three positions in a one night stand mini-game later and oh dear… no condom. No bother, it's simply time to play the system. Girls: get signed up for housing support and pre-natal classes. Lads: try to escape the attentions of the Child Support Agency.
Extreme Petz: Portuguese Man-o'-War Tagline: Touch it and die! Don't pick up your stylus and touch it. Er… That's it…