Penthouse Horny Empire

When not simply plugging the word 'sexy' next to an innocuous game name staple in the titling of an adult game, as in Sexy Soccer or Sexy Blocks, a tirade of superlatives works equally well. Now that most of the more conservative adult game names have been snapped up, it can't be long before we see Super Massive Crazy Sexy Black Hole spewed-out into the adult ether. It'd be a tasteful astronomy-themed app of course, with educational, albeit adult, overtones.

Although not quite in that league, Penthouse Horny Empire does manage to grab attention, even if it is only in the over-eager vein of a badly translated Japanese game. In it, you need to dominate a game board in order to unlock a picture of a lesser-clad young lady.

In each game board, you start with a single hexagonal block at one end, while your opponent controls a single, differently coloured hexagon at the other end. You take it in turns to move, and in each turn you can move a single hexagon either one or two spaces away.

Move just a single space and a hexagon remains in the original position too, essentially duplicating your piece. Don your expansionist cap, however, and your hexagon just jumps two the two space difference without multiplying.

If the space you move your hexagon into touches any enemy hexagons, they'll become yours. However, the true is same when your opponent moves. As you start to clash with the enemy, the game becomes an exercise in protecting your stash of hexagons while trying to stop them from expanding into areas you have your eye on.

You don't have to fill the entire board, but once you've substantially dominated it, you'll unlock an adult image. Unfortunately, these images don't take up the whole screen, rather filling up little more than half of it. Their tendency towards softness (of focus, not porno power) doesn't help things either.

They do feature full nudity, but never come across as particularly strong (yes, we're talking porno power this time), partly due to their tiddly size, partly due to the fact that there's nothing tremendously explicit going on in them.

Once you've unlocked the images by completing the respective levels, they're unlocked in a gallery accessible from the main menu. However, since they're not particularly erotic and generally a little dull in comparison to those of some other adult titles on the market, we can't imagine anyone pining after them much at any point.

Unfortunately, the game itself does little to claw back any kudos. There are two difficulty levels available, Easy and Normal, as well as a multiplayer mode, but the utter lack of variety in Penthouse Horny Empire's gameplay means that you're unlikely to stay around for more than a couple of rounds per session.

It can be reasonably distracting for these short periods, but the generic delivery makes everything feel as workmanlike as a tryst with a robot prostitute.

Considering this casual suitability, it's just a pity that the game is so public transport unfriendly, no thanks to the provocative splash screen featuring a spread-legged woman wearing only a tie so lurid Timmy Mallet would blush to cover her genitalia. Sometimes it's more than just bad gameplay we have to forgive these saucy titles for.

Penthouse Horny Empire

Bland presentation and below-par adult images keep Penthouse Horny Empire making sandcastles in the urine-soaked sandpit rather than doing any empire building
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