Smut and Filth: Top 10 banned iPhone games
And some friendly alternatives
If you're looking for smut, gore, or X-rated filth, you'd be better off buying an Android. Thanks to stringent guidelines and constant amendments to the rulebooks, you won't find much controversial content on Apple's fleet of smartphones and tablets.
Since opening the App Store in 2008, Steve Jobs and his cronies have banned, rejected, and booted apps that feature baby shaking, seal clubbing, boobs, bums, willies, President Obama, Tiger Woods, zombies, drugs and "gay cures".
We've compiled a top 10 list of the most shocking and suggestive apps to hit the App Store rejection pile. To add a little consumer friendliness, we've also picked out some handy alternatives - similarly themed games that were fit for iTunes - for you to play instead.
Baby Shaker
This sick, infant-throttling shocker was one of the first controversial games to hit the App Store. In the crudely made app, you had to shake your iPhone rigorously to kill a bawling baby. Give your device a strong enough shake and a pair of thick red Xs appeared over the baby's eyes.
Apple actually accepted it in 2009, before a massive public outcry forced the publisher to remove it just two days later. Ever since, Apple has tried to avoid such controversy, rejecting hazardous games before they have a chance to stink up the App Store.
Why not try... Sperm Killer?
If you'd played Sperm Killer and heeded its message before fumbling around in the back seat of your dad's Ford Focus, you wouldn't need to shake a baby. This safe sex game has you firing condoms over sperms and viruses to stop nasty accidents.
In Owlchemy Labs's daring satirical snapshot of U.S. immigration laws, you can choose a "Legal Immigration" mode to get yourself a legitimate green card. Unfortunately, the mode has you sat in a waiting room for 19 years, next to a fully decomposed skeleton.
Otherwise, you can take the Smuggle Truck, a bouncy pickup truck filled to bursting with men, women, and newborn babies from Mexico, which tumbles over the hazardous landscape between countries. It caught some flak from politicians, and Apple flat-out rejected it.
Why not try... Snuggle Truck?
Luckily for you, Owlchemy Labs tried again. The Boston-based developer stripped out any reference to immigration and replaced the cartoony Mexicans with fluffy animals. The newly christened Snuggle Truck got accepted by Apple without hesitation.
Wailing on seals might be legally sanctioned by the Canadian government, but that didn't stop Apple from rejecting this seal-clubbing app.
Developer Matt Smyth (definitely not to be confused with The Doctor) argued that "[Apple] allows other apps, like Trophy Hunt for bear and deer. I don't see the difference between killing a seal and killing a deer."
A fair point, but unfortunately there's often no arguing with Apple. Once Jobs has given his thumbs down verdict, there's no negotiation. Last we heard, Smyth was aiming his game at the more lenient Android Market.
Why not try... Air Penguin?
Air Penguin turns these lovable arctic critters into vicious merchants of death. One mind-numbingly frustrating stage has Air Penguin skating down a slippery block of ice, while an unstoppable barrage of bouncy, nuisance seals bump you off into the icy seas. It's enough to make a man take up seal clubbing.
According to Apple's bible-sized book of iOS dos and don'ts (mostly don'ts), you're not allowed to defame or demean a political figure, and you're not permitted to mess around with celebs. That's why a game called ZomBieber got a name change, a selection of Tiger Woods cartoons got rejected, and this game got turned down.
In this frightfully silly, and totally banned, app you bounce various American politicians around the Oval Office, collecting points for each springy leap. It's since been resubmitted, with paper bags over the characters' heads.
Why not try... Ninja Steve?
Tiger Woods, Justin Bieber, and Barack Obama might be off limits, but Steve Jobs himself seems to be fair game. In this app, a turtleneck-wearing "Steve" fights off green androids with ninja throwing stars. Apple gave this one the thumbs up.
In the classic strategy game Dope Wars, you buy and sell drugs to an ever-changing, dynamic market. One minute ecstacy is selling for a pittance, and the next your stash of PCP is more lucrative than gold dust.
Whether it's called Drugwars or Dope Wars, this game has been around since 1984 and appeared on everything from MS DOS to the TI-82 calculator. Apple, however, didn't fancy a port and rejected the game for its naughty content.
Why not try... Candy Wars?
Seeing as Dope Wars is more about math than meth, and a good business sense is more useful than knowing the ins and outs of drug culture, the game can work with any product. Catamount Software ditched the cocaine for sugar sticks, and got the app accepted by Apple.
This gruesome undead kid killer got expelled from the App Store for excessive guts and gore, and because the walking corpses of choice happened to belong to recently deceased children.
Apple said "thanks but no thanks", and rejected the game in 2009.
Why not try... Zombie Infection?
How about you pick on someone your own size? Gunning down the undead is fine, as long as the targets are consenting adults. Once a zombie hits 18, you can shoot their brains into mush with a very big gun without a care in the world!
In this morally questionable game, you have to save the world by finding robotic girls, lifting up their skirts, and getting a good eyeful of cyber knickers. Surprisingly enough, it wasn't actually made in Japan.
As expected, Apple declined the game and sent Philippines-based Spotcat Studio on its way. The developer then dumped the game on Cydia, a blackmarket App Store equivalent for iPhone jailbreakers.
Why not try... Daisy Mae's Alien Buffet?
This sexually suggestive app has had its fair share of controversy, too - the game got pulled from the App Store for being "too hot for Apple." It's back now, letting you perv over a scantly clad girl as she kicks ass with two shotguns - like a true feminist.
This sacrilegious shooter got rejected from the App Store for portraying Jesus Christ as an ass-kicking, bandoleer-wearing, gun-toting action hero.
Apple told developer Tim Omernick that it wouldn't accept the game without some serious changes to the Messiah's look: "Don't make him look like Jesus - lose the robes, lose the sandals," the platform holder allegedly told Omernick.
Why not try... Moral Decay?
So that's what Omernick did. In the end, it took his studio, Infinite Lives, almost infinite submissions to get the game finally accepted, subtly changing the Lord's garb until Apple was satisfied. By the final pass, he was more John Rambo than Jesus Christ.
So, KG Dogfighting wasn't actually built for iPhone, submitted to the App Store, and rejected by Steve Jobs. But that's because Kage Games knows it wouldn't be worth the bother. "An app that will never appear in the iPhone App Store," the game's Android market page proudly declares.
We can see why. This vicious dog fighting app has received endless negative press from the American Society for the Prevention of Cruelty to Animals, NFL player Michael Vick, and even - gasp! - Alicia Silverstone.
Run for it, Kage, you haven't got a chance against Batgirl!
Why not try... Touch Pets: Dogs?
A dog is for life, not just for dumping into a ring as it tears the flesh and rips the throats of other purpose bred, trained, and starved hounds. This ng:moco game lets you take care of puppies, dress up mutts, and connect with canine-loving pals around the world.
These guys obviously didn't pay attention when Apple booted Dope Wars off the App Store. This drug-dealing strategy game got the same raw deal after it was ditched from iTunes for objectionable content.
The developer did its research eventually, copying Dope Wars's candy-styled resubmission to the letter. The game now appears on iTunes as Underworld: SweetDeal, where gangsters peddle Lollipops and Donuts around a city.
Why not try... Grand Theft Auto: Chinatown Wars?But there's no need to settle for less. If you want to deal real drugs on a dynamic blackmarket, then you can. You just need to shack up with Rockstar Games, who managed to sneak a naughty narcotics-dealing metagame into this iPhone action game unscathed.
