Gaming historians believe that there was once an age when developers didn't update their games. Instead, video game makers just released their products and that was it.
Sounds fairly unlikely to me. I mean, how did they fix all the bugs? Checkmate, historians. I await your response.
In this more 'enlightened' age, though, our Android and iOS games are patched more heavily and more frequently than a repenting chain smoker.
So, to help you keep up with the gaming firmware update deluge, we'll be bringing you a weekly round-up of noteworthy new levels, characters, and bug fixes for iOS and 'droid games, as well as the weirdest and silliest patch notes going.
Right, let's get this patch party started...Subway Surfers
By Sybo Games - download free on iPhone and iPad
or download free on Android
The Subway Surfers World Tour continues, with the game's cast of graffiti-spraying delinquents now hell-bent on defacing the Rio de Janeiro metro system.
A new playable character, samba dancer Carmen, has been lured into these artistic rapscallions' endless-running scheme. Oh, and she's brought along a new hoverboard (the rocket-powered Daredevil).
Sybo's also only gone and added some score-boosting and headstart-enhancing power-ups. Wicked.Asphalt 7: Heat
By Gameloft - buy on iPhone and iPad
or buy on Android
Gameloft's flagship racer has a new flagship car parked up in its virtual garage.
Its name is the SSC Tuatara. The maker of this in-production US hypercar, SSC North America, is hoping the Tuatara can reach a top speed of 276mph in order to beat the 267mph production car world record set by the Bugatti Veyron Super Sport.
Look, real-world automobile manufacturing chaps: take a leaf out of the games industry's book and just stick a nitrous rocket booster on the back. Job done.
Gameloft has also added new cups, more events, and a Koenigsegg Agera R lottery to Asphalt 7: Heat.
You're still thinking about that world record, though, aren't you? Don't lie to me.Candy Crush Saga
By King.com - download free on iPhone and iPad
or download free on Android
New levels: inbound!
King.com has enjoyed massive success with its casual games, first on Facebook and now on iOS and Android. And this prolific games publisher sure knows to retain people's interest in its properties.
Say 'hello' to 30 - yes, 30 - new levels in Candy Crush Saga
, for instance. A new challenging blocker that has something to do with marmalade should appeal, too. Mmmm...Middle Manager of Justice
By Double Fine - download free on iPhone and iPad
A supervillain is out to ruin Valentine's Day. There: I said it.
There are probably vast swathes of men across the planet who'd be quite happy to let the baddies get away with this one, but justice must (unfortunately for the put-upon male populace) be done.
Guess what? There's a new hero on the block to meet out the justice. Get in.
Double Fine is playing this one close to its chest, however, so won't say who the hero and villains are.
They definitely exist, though, as do new items, UI improvements, and improvements to the game's iCloud saving functionality.Fingle
By Game Oven - buy on iPad
If you're one of those guys who does
like Valentine's Day and wants something to spice up the evening's festivities, why not give Fingle
Best described as 'Twister for fingers', Fingle
promises "intimate moments with intertwined hands". Goodness me.
For Valentine's Day, the developer is upping the ante with a steamy new level pack (With Love) and some smouldering bug fixes.
PG's Patch Notes of the Week Awards
This week's runner-up is:Fingle
: "Get ready to convert Fingle
from an icebreaker to an ice crusher!" Oooo, I've come over all giddy.
This week's winner is:Middle Manager of Justice
: "Look up in the sky! Is that a bird? Nevermind, it's a plane. Wait, no! It's a bunch of aliens!! What do you think they want?! Whatever it is, it can't be good."