SpongeBob Squarepants Movie

Ah, the joys of ambiguous transatlantic language. We say pavement, they say sidewalk. We say mobile, they say cellphone. We say football, they say soccer. The list goes on and encompasses clothing, too; though both we and the Yanks say ‘pants’, the word means something slightly different. Pants, as we know them, are your basic kecks, boxers, unmentionables; pants to an American is basically ‘trousers’ (or 'troosers', for our readers north of the Pennines) to us. So over there, a cartoon character called SpongeBob Squarepants doesn’t raise as many eyebrows as it did over here.

As you undoubtedly know by know, SpongeBob Squarepants really is a (sea) sponge wearing pants. Alas, they’re not pants as we know and love them in the British sense, but we’re all the more glad for that. The idea of a kid’s cartoon character running around in his underwear doesn’t bear extended contemplation. With the help of his equally strange friends, including Patrick the beach-bum starfish and Plankton the grumpy sea something-or-other, you plough your way through 4 games that progressively get harder and harder.

Each of these games is essentially a stand-alone mini-game, packing no great depth or logic. You simply press the right button when required and that really is about it. The presentation is good with colourful graphics and 'crazy' sounds, but there isn’t much else happening that creates any sense of anticipation or excitement. The fun soon disappears when you figure out what’s required, leaving you to play the same levels over and over again, with the same locations, same characters and same monotony. Once you’ve exhausted these on your own, you can challenge a fellow fan, or anyone who doesn’t mind wasting their life away, to take you on at such games as Goofy Goobers, Patty Wagon and Thug Tug.

Of course, being in our, erm, late 20s, you could argue that we're not really the target audience here. But if you don’t want your child, or yourself, for that matter, to develop behavioural problems, it’s probably best if the young’uns avoid this game, too. The initial levels are fairly simple for most, but when it starts to get hard just for the sake of it, it then becomes a childhood weapon causing temper tantrums and much stamping of feet. We invited the Pocket Gamer nieces to play (6 and 9 years old), both of whom had some enjoyment to start with but became thoroughly bored and disturbingly aggressive within a matter of minutes. Just one slip while playing and you’ll go back to the previous level, fuelling more torture and frustration. If you value your mobile phone handset, hold it for them whilst they’re playing and it might, just, avoid damage.

If you place no great value on your time and manage to make it to the end, you’ll be treated to a new level called Shell City, a wondrous place where you do something else for a change. But this still doesn’t remedy the main problem, being the previous 40 levels, which are really 4 different levels repeated 10 times. Why would anyone relish such a prospect, when there is no great variety or incentive to even make an effort, is beyond us. The sheer laziness and repetition will drive you to utter despair.

Avoid like every known plague to human kind. Admittedly, the initial few levels will keep the children amused for a few minutes. But the player’s attention span is going to be put under strain very quickly, and when there are so many other games that are much more engrossing and encourage the player to return and try again, you should really look elsewhere. Which reminds us, there’s one more use of the word ‘pants’ that we Brits are fond of…