Sex Empire

It's a perfect evening. You and your spouse enter a restaurant, greeted by a helpful maître d' who lavishes attention upon you. He makes your dining experience the best it can possibly be before bringing you back your coat and handbag – all of which have been kept in pristine condition – and sends you on your way with a smile.

Now, in Sex Empire, you don't get to play the role of the happy couple, oh no. You play the maître d'.

This is the main problem with Sex Empire. Your job in-game is to start managing a seedy den and work your way up to overseeing the coolest VIP clubs by keeping a long succession of customers happy.

Your approach, however, is a little more hands-on than most managers. You have to take their clothes, give them sex toys to get themselves started, give them back their togs before cleaning up after them, and repeat ad nauseum.

A number of keys pop up for you to delegate your manager towards the various beds in your establishment. Some beds can only fit a certain number of people on them, starting from a couple and eventually going up to groups of four. There can be a maximum of five beds in total in later levels with keys '4' to '8' ferrying your little manager between them and going to '9' to dispose of their filthy mess in the trash.

This kind of key management really takes the pace out of the game, leaving you to simply key in the combo and sit there twiddling your… thumbs.

It can pick up in the latter part of the game when your club gets busier – people will wait in a queue to enter and will probably leave if they have to wait too long, meaning delegation plays a big part.

Getting to the larger party first will of course lead to a heftier point bonus and higher satisfaction, whereas the couple who haven't given you any trouble at all will be quicker to clean up and help you shorten the queue to get another lot between the sheets. You can't proceed until the satisfaction bar on the right of the screen is at least half full, so you'd better choose wisely before time runs out.

It's a shame to wait until the penultimate paragraph to mention the porn aspects of the game, but putting it bluntly, there simply is nothing to get excited about. If you're looking to get any kind of sexual kick from Sex Empire, then you'd best look elsewhere for your portable porn as this is merely adult themed.

Indeed, the most sexual contact you clap your eyes on are some tiny animated exhibitionists trying their best to get their groove on like a perverted Habbo Hotel while you stand by as manager, waiting to clean up what they leave behind. Don't demean yourself. Someone should be doing this for you, not the other way around.