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Crazy Quest Express

For: Mobile

It's crazy, alright

Product: Crazy Quest Express | Developer: 3 Dynamics | Publisher: THQ Wireless | Format: Mobile | Genre: Action, Casual | Players: 1 | Format: J2ME | File size: 695KB | Version: Europe
Crazy Quest Express Mobile, thumbnail 1
Aside from Disney, is anyone more obsessed with the idea of saving princesses than game developers?

From Mario onwards, title after title has tasked players with rescuing damsels in distress (or, in Princess Peach's case, a vomit-inducing pink fluffy dress) from the clutches of evil.

It wouldn't be at all surprising if the the next Modern Warfare came decorated with a plot by Al-Qaeda to imprison the newly crowned Duchess of Cambridge in a tall dark tower somewhere, with only a long comb and a tub of Regaine at her service.

Such clichés sometimes have a place, however. In fact, in the case of Crazy Quest Express, the initial goal of aiding a princess is actually a moment to savour, purely because it's the one part of play that makes any sense.

A real gem?

As best as I can deduce, Crazy Quest Express is a game about retrieving a number of items for different clients: first up, a collection of gems on behalf of said princess.

Getting your hands on the items in question means taking charge of a tank and driving it headlong towards a flock of approaching chickens. Of course.

Depending on the level in question, you can do everything from grabbing said chickens with an extendable arm that shoots out of the front of your tank to blowing them out of the way by tooting your horn, both by tapping the '5' key.

Either way, your aim is to make it to the other side of the stage with your tank intact – a matter complicated by the varying strengths of the chickens, signified by the colour marked beneath their feet.

Mixed bag

In between each stage it's possible to repair your tank, or even upgrade it in an effort to contend with the swarms of enemies headed straight in your direction, but you have to question why anyone would go to such efforts.

That's because there's absolutely no game here to speak of. Levels simply consist of a a tank trundling left to right, your only role being to shift its position on the screen or take out the chickens in the ways described.

Somehow, doing so manages to unlock whatever items you're after on that particular stage, though there's no point in trying to look for an explanation as to why: just like rest of play, it makes no sense whatsoever.

Indeed, from the complicated menu systems through to the game itself, Crazy Quest Express is the very definition of confusion, offering a game that's in far more need of rescuing than the princess it plays host to.
Crazy Quest Express
Reviewer photo
Keith Andrew | 7 July 2011
Despite being littered with cliches left and right – princesses and gems in attendance – Crazy Quest Express is as bizarre a game as they come, in that there's no real game to speak of
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