AMA Love Test

I'm happily married and have pleased (emotionally and gymnastically) enough partners to consider myself a decent mate, but if someone accused me of being indifferent I don't think I'd take issue with them. (I'd probably not feel one way or the other about it.) So AMA's Love Test is up against a pretty tough customer here, though one who's not entirely closed to the notion of true love.

But before going much further, it's probably worth pointing out a certain issue: if you're with the kind of partner who loves mush, smooches and snuggles, then Love Test could be the kind of romantic survival application you desperately need. If you don't live on chocolate-filled clouds of lovey-wovey schmaltz, however, this mobile application will be unlikely to increase your romantic standing.

It should also be pointed out this is entirely a romance based 'love' title – not the kind that fills your computer with viruses or requires a mobile phone with a vibrate function. And while it's not really a game, Love Test does still offer the opportunity for some light, if potentially hazardous, escapism.

Beginning in Venice – the love canal capital of Europe (ahem) – then stopping by Paris and Hawaii to ensure your romantic juices are in full flow, Love Test fires off questions to determine how well you know your partner. By answering 'yes', 'no' or 'maybe' to a variety of situations (does your partner call you just to say they love you, or do you know your partner's favourite restaurant/position, and so on) the status of your relationship can supposedly be determined.

Once your totty congruency has been confirmed, Love Test offers up some sage advice to improve or maintain your love life – albeit rather tenuous for those who're not quite so melodramatically inclined.

My own love test suggested I take the time to make a snowman and have a pillow fight with my sweetie. Knowing my wife as I like to think I do, cuffing her round the chops with a bag of feathers is unlikely to enrich my matrimonial equilibrium, so already I was dubious as to the quality of AMA's advice.

A mutual test is also available to allow a couple to compete in a ten-question face-off, should you feel brave or foolhardy enough to do so. Having given it a solo try out, this is an option that's more likely to drive a heart-shaped wedge between a dude and his chick (see, I'm romantic) when it's brought to light that he has no idea what book she's currently reading or what her bra size is (other than 'about this big').

There's not a chance in fluffy pink hell I'd recommend anyone sit down with their partner to take the Love Challenge without a good few test runs first.

Again, for those who like it soft and squishy there's another feature that could prove to be a potential love life saver; assuming you don't get caught checking your mobile's screen for advice during intimate moments.

The Golden Rules, Tender Words and Valentine's Day features offer up immediate advice, disposable romantic one-liners and messages of diabetic affection at the push of a button. These can also be quickly sent via text message which, for the right lover, could be a last minute gift from Cupid.

If Love Test didn't take itself so seriously, this could be a highly amusing parody of the advice columnist (especially if it could include a semblance of Claire Rayner's comforting, gravelly tones).

Despite its self-satisfied pseudo-counsel, there's still a degree of ironic enjoyment to be gleaned from testing out your amorous compatibility with your best mate or Lionel Blair (I'm apparently quite compatible with the energetic tap dancer), but it's unlikely to be a lasting relationship.