Mad Cow Martha 3: Escape From Hospital

Bovine spongiform encephalopathy - or mad cow disease, to you and I - is a pretty nasty degenerative disease affecting the brain and spinal cord of infected cows. Even worse, it can be picked up by beef-munching humans.

Not the chirpiest subject matter for a mobile game, you might think. But Mad Cow Martha 3 doesn't involve guiding a diseased heffer past homicidal farmers and giant burning mounds of cattle.

Which is a shame, as it might have proved slightly more exciting than what we have here.

As the game's sub-title suggests, your job is to guide Martha out of hospital and away from the chasing nurse. You might argue that she should be grateful for the medical attention when millions of her species were slaughtered at the mere suspicion of outbreak, but that might be to read a little too much into MCM3's story.

You're presented with an extremely simple 2D side-on view of our bovine friend, sat in her wheelchair. As she pushes herself free of her nurse you must take control, not of Martha, but of the environment immediately in front of her.

Doors need opening, hospital tables need pushing aside, ramps need lowering (we know hospitals can seem like sprawling mazes, but this takes it to another level), and power-ups need depositing in our Martha's path. This is achieved very simply indeed by pressing one of the four directions (or the corresponding number keys) indicated.

In fact, simplicity, while arguably being the game's biggest strength, is also undoubtedly its major weakness. From the overly basic graphics that look like they came from five years ago, to the ridiculously straightforward gameplay, Mad Cow Martha 3 feels like an emaciated strip of beef bound for the Asda value range as opposed to the prime Kobe beef of a decent modern mobile game.

Things do improve as you progress through the levels and the directional prompts come quicker and closer together, but ultimately Mad Cow Martha 3 feels a little spartan and more than a little aimless.

As a concept, then, Mad Cow Martha 3's 'a cow in a hospital' is not really fit for consumption.