Fats the Pig
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| Fats the Pig

Maybe it's us. Maybe Fats The Pig is nothing more than a humorous dig at the old Track & Field games and we simply don't get the joke. Maybe we've got an illogical phobia against fat German pigs attempting sports.

Or maybe it just boils down to the fact that Fats The Pig simply isn't very good. This title is gameplay-lite, in every sense of the word; not only is there not very much to do, but there isn't a lot of game to do not very much in.

Based, as mentioned, on the ancient arcade game Track & Field, Fats The Pig is split up into three short events, the object being to press the '5' button as quickly as humanly possible to raise the 'Power-O-Meter' and thereby get yourself a better score.

And that's really about as far as the excitement and interactivity goes. Here though, because we know you're dying to find out more, is a brief breakdown of the individual events.

Skip Rope
Press '5' as quickly as possible to make Fats jump. There's no skill involved, no timing needed to get the jump right. Just brute force. You do get to watch Fats' facial expressions change as you get faster though, which is obviously the funniest thing you'll ever see.

Sprint
Simply press '5' until Fats moves his lardy arse and attempts to run down the track. As he's so fat though, it's incredibly funny to watch him run. Possibly even funnier than the facial expressions he does in the Skip Rope game. No, really.

Hurdles
Greeted with the same view of the track as the Sprint event and the same blank expression from Fats, you start sprinting down the track. But wait, what's this? Hurdles you say? Clear three hurdles in a row and Fats gets a 500 point bonus. And, sadly, that's your lot.

We don't like Fats the pig; we don't like the stupid way he looks out at us while he's waiting for us to press a button and we don't like his stupid game. Track & Field-style games are in short supply on mobiles, and for good reason – the buttons are too small and fragile to withstand a pounding.

To make matters even worse, there's been very little thought or care put into the game's longevity. You get the chance to first train in any of the three events or enter a Tournament, which isn't a tournament as you don't play against anyone else. And that's about it. Rubbish.

Clearly this older game (it was released in 2005) is designed as little more than a graphics and animation showcase, and both are moderately impressive. As a game though, there's no real skill involved and very little incentive to play it more than once. It stinks.

Fats the Pig

Pointless (though humourous), this is one pig that's definitely off for the chop
Score
Dean Mortlock
Dean Mortlock
Dean's been writing about games for 15 years now and has played more than he's had hot dinners. Mind you, he does eat a lot of salad…