Hands on with Fart-o-Matic

We have had to scrutinize some pretty stinking mobile games and applications here at Pocket Gamer in the past, but Fart-o-Matic really sets a new standard.

*tom, snare, crash*

Now that that dreadfully predictable but absolutely necessary quip is out of the way, let's get on with the serious business of dissecting Fart-o-Matic, a mobile game/application that, yes, simulates rectal gas on demand.

Hey, you've got to take the rough with the smooth in this job.

Essentially, Fart-o-Matic is only a game if you use it to systematically taunt and bedevil your loved ones as there is no inherent goal or competitive element present in the application itself. Upon loading it up, you're presented with a screen full of options: WMD, Time, Web and Random.

Selecting WMD takes you to a new screen where you face a list of nine different icons, each of which when selected lets loose a sound simulating a different colonic gust archetype.

So, for example, there's the Raspberry Ripple, the Trouser Trumpet and, our personal favourite, the Swamp Thing. Exhausting the fun available in this section is all a matter of perspective but it's a pretty safe bet that if you're older than 12, any smile the WMD section provokes is likely to linger for about as long as a fart in a gale.

The Time section, meanwhile, enables you to select your parp of choice and then set a timer to countdown until it goes off, giving you ample time to hide the phone in a place where it can cause the most embarrassment to whomever you want to frame as the source of the offending sound. The Random element is essentially the same but as you might expect assigns wind at random rather than of your choosing.

And the Web option is quite intriguing but ultimately a bit pointless. It allows you to log onto a server with your phone so that you can control your Fart-o-Matic program remotely from a PC or Mac. Great fun if you have oodles of time on your hands to execute hilarious practical jokes on your friends but, given the effort, gluing a £1 coin to the floor is much funnier, if you ask us.

Oh, there's also the problem of the fart noises sounding exactly like they come from a phone's rather puny speaker as opposed to the posterior of a human being, which dampens the effect somewhat. Perhaps we should have pointed that out sooner.

If you're the sort of person that still finds Bottom starring Rick Mayall side-splittingly funny, then Fart-o-Matic will make you snigger like a schoolboy. For everyone else, this is likely to constitute a barely amusing 30-second distraction.