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The ten worst handheld role-playing plots

This is going to hurt

The ten worst handheld role-playing plots
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DS + Game Boy + PSP ...

James Bond villains, X Factor contestants, game script writers… sometimes it's less embarrassing for all involved if they just don't try at all.

At Pocket Gamer we often celebrate the best in gaming – take our Buyer's Guide for instance, or our list of ideal pre-school gaming. But there are times when you just have to admit that someone has gotten it all wrong. And there's nothing as lackeyed or clichéd than the plot of a bad role-playing game, and – let's face it – there are plenty of RPGs on PSP, DS and, these days, even mobile.

So like the dark knight that seems to underpin all the worst examples, let's sharpen up our sword and prepare to name, shame and dice those handheld RPGs we consider to be real stinkers.

The ten worst handheld role-playing plots
10. Izuna: Legend of the Unemployed Ninja (DS)


As Lindsay Lohan reminds us, there's a time and a place for coming-of-age stories about a teenage girl. We're just not sure it fits into the hardcore dungeon-crawling and wrath-of-the-gods story that runs through Legend of the Unemployed Ninja. It wouldn't be so bad if the titular Izuna was lovable or bearable in any way whatsoever, but her constant bickering with everyone she comes across hardly makes the adventuring any easier. Come for the rock-hard gameplay, but don't stay for the one-liners, whatever you do.
9. Final Fantasy I (PSP)


It feels wrong to criticise a game we love so much, but let's face it: the legendary RPG didn't exactly get off to an epic start. Four elemental crystals, four 'light warriors' and a quest to save the world. Working on that basis, we're actually grateful the later releases involve flying purple cats, massive chickens and talking frogs. We're glad the series became a massive hit, but we're not holding our breath for a Hollywood version of the original in the near future.
8. Alien Syndrome (PSP)


Space. The final frontier for the aspiring games writer. But lo! What's that, you say? We've lost contact with a space station that's on the edge of the known galaxy? And you think aliens might be to blame? Well, guess the natural solution would be to leave it all alone. No? You want us to lead a team of soldiers in and investigate, leading to our grisly and painful deaths? Alright, maybe Alien Syndrome is a bit of a self-parody at times. But not enough to escape our List of Shame.
7. Pokémon Ranger (DS)


Maybe it's the same poor fella getting reincarnated to star in each and every Pokémon game. Just imagine his dismay when he wakes up for the umpteenth time, and rather than finding himself in a game full of swashbuckling, princess-wooing and day-saving, he's wearing the same damn backpack, and there's a ball of fur standing in front of him, wobbling from side to side and repeating its name over, and over, and over. A hundred and fifty of them, you say? Right. We'd better get to work, then.
6. Mazes of Fate (GBA)


Apart from having the most laughable title on the list – sounding like part of the puzzle section in a comic book villain's newspaper (Crossword of Doom?) – Mazes of Fate does the usual trick of putting an anonymous hero at the gates of a city that's hiding dark secrets. Not to mention decidedly awful weather systems flying over it, meaning that it spends most of its time overcast and foreboding. Oooh. Still, it's more enjoyable than the Sudoku of Destiny.
5. Gothic 3: The Beginning (Mobile)


We didn't mind Gothic 3. It did its best to entertain. The only thing is, it keeps throwing place names and hero titles at us like it's a desperate Scrabble player. You're called Xardas, you see, and there's this god, called Innos, who's sending you to frolick with the monsters and the rune stones on the Island of Kohrinis, and… wait! Triple word score!
4. Illuminum (Mobile)


We could be wrong, we really could. You see, Illuminum is mostly composed of level after level of the same old fighting as you climb a tower to rid it of evil. Maybe the repetition is a deep metaphor for the human condition, or a comment on the psychology of gaming. Maybe the simple boy hero represents the youthfulness of humanity. Or maybe it's just a really lazy idea for a story. We settled on the latter.
3. Knight Tales: Land Of Bitterness (Mobile)


We've all done it, right? Popped up the shops and left a window open, and you come back and the wind has blown newspapers everywhere. Or how about this one: you go outside of the kingdom for nary five minutes to fight a few wars, and no sooner do you return than a queen has gone and killed your parents. You were planning on a takeaway for tea and an evening in front of the telly, but instead you're off on a revenge quest. Oh, well.
2. Age of Heroes III: Orc's Retribution (Mobile)


Ah, Orcs and Elves. The RPG odd couple. You can't leave those two alone for a second without someone ransacking somewhere-or-other. But don't worry, because a quick visit to an Orc Elder and you're set to unite the Orc clans to fight back. Although why is it that these clans are always broken up? Is there some massive fallout over Christmas dinner every year? And couldn't we just send out an email instead of trekking across mountains and suchlike?
1. The Legend of Zelda: Phantom Hourglass (DS)


We're not knocking the story, exactly. We're just not sure, realistically, how many times Link would try and save that one woman. She brings it on herself, she really does…

Mike Cook
Mike Cook
Studying Computing in London means that Michael looks for any excuse to get away from error messages and blank screens. Puzzling and platforming on the DS are his ultimate escape.