Top Ten Worst Handheld Ports Ever

With such short development cycles, the handheld formats are naturally attractive to publishers who want to bring lucrative intellectual properties and franchises to market with haste. But the temptation to make a quick buck comes with its own pitfalls, especially for us consumers. If we had 10 pence for every time a developer told us they just weren't given enough time to polish a big licence for a handheld system we'd have, erm, around £16.20.

All too often its the DS, PSP or mobile version that's pumped out just so it can piggyback the success of its big console or PC brother, and it shows. Here are the worst ever. You have been warned.

Top Ten Worst Handheld Ports Ever

Assassin's Creed: Altair's Chronicles (DS)
Developer: Gameloft
Publisher: Ubisoft

No one was expecting this to stand up to the PS3 and Xbox 360 iterations, but in trying to ape its next-gen counterparts it fell flat on its face. The 3D visuals looked flashy in screenshots but in practice Altair's adventuring was compromised by a juddering framerate. Robbed of the flair and breathtaking open-world structure all that was left was a linear jumping assault course with frustrating mini-games thrown in. A chronic case of ambition exceeding technical competence.

Tom Clancy's Splinter Cell: Chaos Theory (DS)
Developer: Gameloft
Publisher: Ubisoft

Though reasonably innovative Chaos Theory suffered from a multitude of sins. Most distressing was the fact the game was so gloomy as to require a pair of enhanced vision goggles so you could see anything in other than dark surroundings. Ridiculously complex controls, a dodgy camera and an inability to use stealth tactics with any success on the d-pad hobbled it to the point of unplayable.

LEGO Star Wars II: The Original Trilogy (DS)
Developer: Amaze
Publisher: Activision

Worse than Jar Jar Binks, worse than Lucas's own revisionism, worse even than the bit in Episode III when Obi-Wan fights Anakin. Truth is, The Original Trilogy on DS was by far the worst port of all and contained more bugs than an ant farm. Characters would morph in and out of existence, backgrounds and objects appear and disappear and menus freeze without warning. They tried, but as Yoda might say, 'do, or do not. There is no try.'

The Settlers (DS)
Developer: Blue Byte
Publisher: Ubisoft

How cool would this have been, if - and that's a big 'if' - it had actually worked without crashing every five minutes? With a zoom function that froze the screen on a regular basis plus trading options that simply collapsed when pushed Settlers DS was an unmitigated disaster. Clearly Nintendo's usually stringent quality assurance testers were asleep when this came into the office.

Super Monkey Ball Adventures (PSP)
Developer: Traveller's Tales
Publisher: Sega

Sega's Monkey Ball games have always been about control and the ability to guide your spherically encased simians with ease and confidence. But when the franchise was transferred to the overly fidgety PSP analogue nub it became about as satisfying as constructing a matchstick facsimile of the Eiffel Tower while wearing a pair of oven gloves. Nice visuals, though.

Rainbow Islands Evolution (PSP)
Developer: Dreams
Publisher: Rising Star

At the close of Planet of the Apes Charlton Heston happens upon the crumbling form of the Statue of Liberty and cries, "you maniacs! You blew it up! God damn you!" Which is pretty much how we feel about this attempt to evolve the classic Rainbow Islands concept. With ridiculously complex gameplay and a number of unnecessary additions it broke what didn't need fixing and left you feeling frustrated and perplexed in equal measure.

Tenchu: Time of the Assassins (PSP)
Developer: From Software
Publisher: Sega

We have a soft spot for the Tenchu games but this port was woefully misjudged for the PSP. With a camera that stubbornly refused to show you the dangers ahead, AI that seemed to be modelled on an inebriated vagrant with a bag over his head and levels so shrouded in darkness you could only play the thing under a blanket it should have come with its own special BBFC rating: 'B' for Beware!

Robin Hood: Defender of the Crown (mobile)
Developer: I-play
Publisher: I-play

An Amiga classic well and truly pillaged by this atrocious mobile port. The concept is now over 20 years old but while it fundamentally worked in the '80s this bastard son is weak and docile by comparison. The mini-games - jousting and invading a castle - are jerky and next to impossible to control and the tactical side suffers from a clumsy interface. Burn the Infidel!

Scarface: The Rise of Tony Montana (mobile)
Developer: G5
Publisher: Living Mobile

Disappointing largely because the console versions were potty-mouthed, riotous fun. This, however, is an abject lesson in frustration. The isometric perspective means that you're always fiddling about with the controls while the auto-targeting often pumps bullets into the guys who are farthest away from you. Tony says: "say hello to my little friend." We say: "No, thanks."

Silent Scope (mobile)
Developer: Konami
Publisher: Konami

If the drab visuals and sparse introductions weren't bad enough then consider the fact this mobile version of one of our favourite arcade games only contains four short levels. While mechanically it works pretty well with two levels of zoom and some tension brought about by enemies that can fire back, it's over so quickly you're left looking like a patsy.