What is American football? I don't know. Does anyone know? Hopefully.
I barely understand the rules to British football - or booty ball kickington as we call it this side of the pond - so what hope do I have of grasping the intricacies of a foreign counterpart?
I do know that the game largely revolves around butting heads with other players until their teeth are shattered pegs and their faces are pug-like. I assume points are awarded for how many childhood memories your opponent forgets by the end of the match.
I also know there's a chap called the quarterback. A team is called the Boston Red Sox but wait maybe that's baseball? A team is definitely called something racist but oh well, nevermind! And it all sounds an awful lot like rugby to me but shh, let's keep that to ourselves.
Anyway! Video games. With the superb owl due to make its nest this weekend, or whatever, we thought it was a good excuse to get some sweet sweet SEO goodness and tell you about some killer NFL-themed games on iOS and Android.
On your marks - play balls!
MADDEN NFL Mobile
By Electronic Arts - get it on iPhone and iPad or Android
Ah Madden. Everyone knows John Madden. Not personally, that would be weird. But we've all heard of his all-conquering official NFL game franchise on console. And this is just that, but on your telephone.
You get to play proper full-on matches, become the GM of your favourite fully-licensed team, and there are daily live events based on the real NFL season. Are the Denver Broncos playing the, uh, Topeka Falcons? Boot up the game and play the match yourself!
Flick Kick Field Goal 2016
By PikPok - get it on iPhone and iPad or Android
Everyone knows that the best bit of American football is when the man kicks the ball over the giant letter U. Which stands for UGH! Which is the sound the man makes when he kicks the ball.
Flick Kick makes that the entire game, as you boot ball after ball over goals to see who is the king of the kick.
You'll also pick your side in daily debates, show your support for your favourite teams, and "head to the Locker Room for your choice of themed balls!" Though, you probably shouldn't be touching balls in the locker room.
By Full Fat - get it on iPhone and iPad or Android
Wait, I changed my mind. The best bit of American football is when the man THROWS the ball. And that's the entire premise of Flick Quarterback - throwing ball after ball to other dudes.
You will "pass to receivers, dodge blitzing defenders, score touchdowns and throw amazing trick shots," which all sounds like a barrel of laughs.
Between throws you can customise your player, upgrade your stadium, take on challenging missions, or go head to head with pals.
All Star Quarterback
By Full Fat - get in on iPhone and iPad or Android
This is a bit like Flick Quarterback, but it also simulates life off the pitch for a quarterback, replicating the mental anguish and psychological trauma of being a famous millionaire who everyone wants to sleep with.
You'll have to buy real estate (ugh!), cars (jeez!), clothes (gimme a break!), and private jets (just kill me already!), hire an agent and win over fans, gain sponsors, and hit the gym.
Bloody hell, this all makes This War of Mine feel like a day at the park.
By cherrypick games - get it on iPhone and iPad or Android
Waaaait, I changed my mind again. Forget the kicking. Forget the throwing. The best bit of American football is when the man runs down the field, dodging dudes and scoring a touchdown in the end zone.
Such a display of sports prowess makes me go funny in MY end zone.
This pixel-art arcade game turns running for touchdowns into a cute endless runner. Using fakes, pushes, and spins to avoid being tackled by aggressive defenders, you'll try to see how many touchdowns you can score before you're smashed to pieces.
Football Heroes PRO 2016
By Run Games - get it on iPhone and iPad or Android
Now this one looks more up my alley. Characters in this game have super moves, like lightning bolt attacks and fireball sprints.
It's certainly going for a more arcade feel than your classic po-faced sports sim.
It's also packed with features like an online league mode, head-to-head multiplayer, an RPG-like backbone, cross device play, and all sorts of game modes.
And it has the NFL license, so you'll play as real sports stars instead of, like, Jim Jebow.
Blood Bowl: Kerrunch
By Cyanide - get it on iPhone and iPad or Android
Finally, we completely shed any sense of reality for this bonkers Warhammer take on football.
Players are replaced with Orcs and Dwarfs, plays are tactical turn-based affairs, and everything is decidedly more… violent.
But it's still a football game at heart with passing, carriers, interceptions, and all that jazz. Just way more Skavens than you're likely to see at this weekend's Super Bowl.