Gaming historians believe that there was once an age when developers didn't update their games. Instead, video game makers just released their products and that was it.
Sounds fairly unlikely to me. I mean, how did they fix all the bugs? Checkmate, historians. I await your response.
In this more 'enlightened' age, though, our Android and iOS games are patched more heavily and more frequently than a repenting chain smoker.
So, to help you keep up with the gaming firmware update deluge, we'll be bringing you a weekly round-up of noteworthy new levels, characters, and bug fixes for iOS and 'droid games, as well as the weirdest and silliest patch notes going.
Right, let's get this patch party started...Junk Jack
By Pixbits - buy on iPhone and iPad
Christmas has been going on for quite a while in Junk Jack
, but the latest update for this sandbox explorer has at last done away with the Yuletide theme.
Pixbits seems keen on even more festive tie-ins, though, for a whole pile of Valentine's-related gubbins has just hit the game.
There's a Valentine bunny; a Valentine Chest filled with Valentine loot (including a Valentine bow and arrow); and plenty of non-Valentine's related stuff.
Unless you consider spiders, golems, and bug fixes particularly romantic.Tiny Tower
By NimbleBit - download free on iPhone and iPad
or download free on Android
Sticking with the Valentine's theme, Tiny Tower
has turned a particularly queasy colour recently.
If the idea of a skyscraper plastered in hearts and painted a shade of pink more violent than a flamingo eating candyfloss appeals to you, then it'll be worth visiting the game once again.
Just as long as you visit the opticians afterwards.Spaceteam
By Sleeping Beast Games - download free on iPhone and iPad
In this bonkers party game, you pilot a starship to safety by operating a variety of simple but highly technobabble-y controls.
Trouble is, you'll be receiving instructions for other players, so you'll be bellowing 'jiggle the emergency whittler!' in no time.
This new update is armed with an array of new modes, including experimental ones for larger crews, plus new skins and an extra challenge pack.My Little Pony: Friendship is Magic
By Gameloft - download free on iPhone and iPad
or download free on Android
Was the Tiny Tower
update just not garish enough for you? Then, step this way.
Everybody's favourite super-cute / vomit-inducing building game has received a few tweaks and fixes. Oh, and three new characters: Apple Fritter, Featherweight, and "the sophisticated" Uncle Orange.
Now, I confess that those names don't mean a whole world to me, but Uncle Orange must be pretty darn sophisticated to pull off a name as ridiculous as that. Trust.Rescue Rush
By Supermono Studios - download free on iPhone and iPad
To be honest, there's not much substance to the latest update for Rescue Rush
, the location-based arcade game in which a map of your surrounding area is taken, cartoonified, and then trampled all over by a giant cat called Columbus. Controlled by you.
Still, this latest firmware patch does suggest that rescuing an Emperor Penguin from an Icelandic graveyard would be a good way to spend Valentine's Day. And those who play the game on the day itself will get to try it out.
What's that, you say? Valentine's Day was yesterday?!
Oh, dear. I'm in trouble.
PG's Patch Notes of the Week Awards
The runner-up this week is:Spaceteam
: "Robot Uprisings can now be Quelled." Well, thank goodness for that.
The winner is:Rescue Rush
: "Sure, you *could* go out for a candlelit dinner with your loved one, but rescuing an Emperor Penguin from an Icelandic graveyard is surely just as fulfilling?" Speechless.