Everything we know about Pokemon X and Y in one easy-to-digest guide

Pokemon! They're back! Or, at least, they will be on October 12th.

Here at Pocket Gamer Towers, we're fit to burst at the prospect of being able to fill up our Pokedex with oddly named squat beasts who like fighting one another.

And this time around, you get to poke them with a stylus. How did we ever manage before this? What was the point in being alive?

I've been asked to pen a breakdown of everything I know about the forthcoming Pokemon X and Y games to help you out.

I've added plenty of exclamation marks to prove I'm not being cynical in any way. Honestly.

The new Pokemon game will be set in France. Well, strictly speaking, it won't be. It'll actually be set in a new chunk of the Pokemon world that looks a bit like France.

That 'chunk' is called Kalos, and it's sort of shaped like France. But it's definitely not France.

So, your character might wear a beret, or walk in front of a structure that looks remarkably like the Eiffel Tower. Will there be baguettes? Anything's possible.

Well, not anything. I doubt there'll be a sub-plot where a Pokemon has an existential crisis while living in a hovel of an apartment, smoking too much, and taking amphetamines.

Through a new feature called "Pokemon-Amie", you can reach into the game and touch your Pokemon in wholly appropriate, family-friendly ways.

You can prod at them with your 3DS stylus, tickle their cartoon faces, and feed them fruit.

'Awww, look how happy Pikachu is because I gave it some fruit' is something strangers on the train might say to you in the not-too-distant future.

Or not.

Now, you can ride around on some of your Pokemon like you're the prince or princess of Poketown.

Is this a good thing? I have no idea.

This new creature type is called Fairy. Fairy Pokemon are strong against Dragon Pokemon. Jigglypuff, who's been in the series forever, is now a Fairy Pokemon.

That means Jigglypuff has been lying to you for a decade. What a loser.

You can be a lady Pokemon trainer or a man Pokemon trainer. Oh, and you can tweak your avatar's facial features to make them look more, well, individual. Unique, even.

There are only three faces from which to choose, mind, but it's the thought that counts.

Oh, no, wait! You can change your character's hats, hairstyles, and hair colour, too. It's like creating new life!

Game Freak and Nintendo have already announced 21 new Pokemon for X and Y. One of them is a sword. It just hovers around stabbing people. Man, that's dark.

Other new Pokemon include a butterfly one, a bear one, and one that uses a Fairy Wand to do some stuff.

Right now, most of them just have Japanese names. On their journey to the West, though, they'll assume different names. Like Fred. Or Roger.

The sword one is definitely called Honedge, by the way, but I'm not sure how to pronounce it. 'Hon-edge'? 'Hone-edge'? 'Hon-j'? 'Rog-er'?

There's also a crab called Clauncher. That's a pretty good pun.

They're new gym trainers. I don't know if that means they're shoes or if they train people in gyms.

Oh, one of them, Viola, trains bugs, so I guess that clears that up. Does it?

Thanks to some new-fangled friend lists, you will be able to group people into Passerbys, Acquaintances, and Friends.

You'll have less interaction with Passerbys... just like in real life.

There are new types of battles in which to do, err, battle!

In Horde battles, you fight Hordes of Pokemon. Like, say, five at once. Just murdering them, cutting them down without a second thought.

Sky battles are battles in the sky.

That is everything I know about Pokemon X and Pokemon Y. Thank you.