Sexy Soccer

Back in the 1980s, a newspaper article citing sexy football was more than likely expressing admiration for the alluring skills and fluid passing of the brilliant Brazilians. By the '90s, the media's focus had moved onto sexy footballers, as we became besotted with the likes of David Beckham and Jamie Redknapp and their WAGs.

These days though, any combination of the words 'sex' and 'football' are more than likely to be bundled with 'shame', 'shocker', or 'scandal' to form a sleazy tabloid headline.

And it's into such murky territory that Infospace is asking us to travel with Sexy Soccer, a game that equally deserves to have 'shame' or at least 'shameless' added to its moniker.

Granted, the level of debauchery is tame compared to the Saturday night antics of the average Premiership player; the most you can be exposed to here are some topless pics of a glamour model, as might be featured on page 3 of The Sun. Though to be fair, that single sheet of tabloid is undoubtedly classier, has a wider vocabulary, and generally offers far more entertainment than is to be found anywhere in Sexy Soccer.

Essentially, there are three challenges to endure. One requires you to kick a ball through holes in a wall by judging a power bar, another dribbling through poles, and the third has you playing keepy-up. Whilst the presentation of each is fine, the challenges are either so slight in scale or so annoyingly fiddly in execution (for instance, the kick-up system is insanely difficult to judge) that the resulting experience is about as fulfilling as watching an empty waterlogged pitch for 90 minutes. Quite frankly, 90 seconds would be a stretch.

Should your attention last long enough to complete a challenge, you'll be treated to an smut-laden evaluation from one of the three 'stunnaz' you're trying to impress. If you've persevered and done especially well, she might even take off some of her kit as a reward.

In truth though, the only people ever likely to witness this feat in Sexy Soccer will be either a) incredibly bored and bedridden, b) tabloid journalists, c) football hooligans, or d) an unfortunate games reviewer.

Other than this short-lived glimpse of flesh, the only conceivable way you could gain enjoyment from Sexy Soccer is to turn the vibration function on and... Well, we'll leave that to your imagination. Unless you're (e) (an anonymous Premiership footballer), we strongly suggest you steer well clear.